V i r t u o u s T h r e a d s

The wall is beginning to crumble.

Posted on: March 22, 2009

This summer my husband Billy and I will celebrate the 12th anniversary of the day we pledged our unconditional love to each other.  Obviously I knew going into marriage that he loved me but what does love mean to someone who’s never known it?  I choose to look at God’s definition.  In Ephesians 3:18-19, we see that the love of Christ cannot be described in terms of length, height or depth. It goes far beyond our capability to measure it.  It surpasses knowledge, it is complete and perfect, missing nothing.  This is a foreign concept to most of us.

I grew up in a christian family but because of problems in my parents’ marriage and their own personal issues, I never felt that unconditional love from them.  It always felt like I was not good enough, not quite pretty or smart enough.  Especially with my dad, I never felt the security that comes from knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt you are loved just the way you are.  I was never Daddy’s girl or Mommy’s girl; I wasn’t special, just the oldest of four.  As I grew older into my teens, I dealt with depression and incredible emotional pain stemming from the belief that I must be unloveable.  Even though I believed the truth of God’s Word and His love for me in my head, in my heart I always felt like an outcast.  After all why would God love what my daddy didn’t?  In order to function I slowly built a wall between me and those people who were supposed to love me; God and my father.  It was a wall of numbness; I denied the pain and hurt I felt and chose to feel nothing, to not care.

Fast forward about 15 years, I’m married to a man who says he loves me and always will.  I accept this in my head but still have a subconsious expectation of failure.  Even through a decade of ups and downs raising 3 young children he remains steady, never wavering in his feelings and committment to me.  Why can’t I believe him?  He has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that he’s here for the long haul.  It’s that wall, the one I built to protect me from pain.  This last week Billy said something that cracked it wide open.  It’s not important what he said but the revelation of his love that came with it. I truly believe revelation is the revealing of divine truths and mysteries that can only come from God.  It was as if He enabled me to see through the wall to the truth. There is no way to explain to you how it feels to know for the first time you are loved from the top of your head to the soles of your feet, inside and out, warts and all. It was as if my heart and soul exploded.  As I cried I attempted to explain to Billy what had just happened.  He hugged me tight like he was never planning on letting go. I think we were both crying.

Today in church the puzzle pieces began to come together for me and make sense.  My head knowlege that my husband loved me was not enough to make me secure in that love.  I needed the revelation of that love in order to free me from the emotional wall I built for my own protection.  As a result of that wall coming down, I no longer struggle to trust Billy.  He has my heart and I know he’ll never break it.  I am so excited to see how this will begin to affect my relationship with God.  I’m praying that the numbness I’ve felt towards Him will also begin to dissolve and I’ll experience the revelation of His perfect love for me. I know I will cry but they will be healing tears this time.


3 Responses to "The wall is beginning to crumble."

It took me a while to really understand what it meant to be a child of God. The more I understood, I learned I wasn’t just a child, but a daughter of the King. Think about the life of the daughter of the King – the Provision, the specialness. My parents were divorced. I have the most wonderful husband – I prayed for him since I was 11. While my heart trusted, it took a long time for my mind to shove away the fear the devil kept trying to plant in my heart. We’ve been married 25 years now. He’s still the most wonderful man in the world! When that fear comes in, just throw some scripture at the devil! It’s surprising how that works! But maybe it shouldn’t be so surprising!

What a beautiful post!
I have a similar wall of protection myself, and havent had the opportunity to break it down. Not sure if i ever can or will.
It’s really feels good to see how you’ve managed to do it. There’s hope after all! 🙂

Blogging keeps me insane. Keep up all the positive work. I too love to blog. I found this one to be very informative

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